Marathoning

the Weight of Mountains

Published March 28, 2019

“Dogs are wise. They crawl away into a quiet corner and lick their wounds and do not rejoin the world until

they are whole once more.” ~ Agatha Christie

DID NOT FINISH.

Aside from whatever physical [limitation] that caused the medal miss, DNFs crush mentally. Internally, deep.

“You did your best.” Works for most my friends – unfortunately, it provides ME little comfort.

I hear the words. Everyone has a bad day. 140+ marathons, law of averages if nothing else.

However, for me – if I quit, I’m broken. Tears away at the soul.

I’m a middle to back-of-the-pack runner, not super competitive BUT I finish. I marathon’d with cancer, thru chemo. No matter the challenge – inside, I honestly 100% believe I will succeed. Never any doubt. SOLID inner confidence.

DNF is like a death. I cry. I grieve. I sulk. I get quiet. Can’t see a way out.

How did your 50-mile race go? I own it, I answer. Easy flat course, perfect weather, still not my day. I failed.

Not my time to finish 50.

The sun rises. Geese resettled on Hecla – this year’s goslings expected in weeks. Ro forces me outside. HE’S not grieving. He’s thinking rabbits, squirrels, what’s in my food bowl.

Pistol was an easy course – lotta laps, lotta walkers but an overnight run.

Change. Fails can do that too. Shake up the routine. Training programs get stagnant.

Done grieving. Embrace the suck.

Hiatal hernia – it’s not terminal. Follow-up appointment, cancelled. Surgical consultation, cancelled. BOTTLES of pills discarded. Supposed to help – I still DNF’d. I still puked.

Another new journey, another transformation. Taking control.

Controlling body thru diet, strict food plan. I am my own best advocate.

Small meals work – small meals the immediate future.

And miles, lotta miles.

Done with all the advice. Everyone’s an expert. I believe in ME more.

75 miles – every week, now to Memorial Day – because I WANT to run, because I NEED to put in the time. Not penance for Pistol – but rather, a mental need to KNOW/to BELIEVE I can again.

Next 26.2, Saturday. Carmel, Indiana. Saturday March 30^th. Monthly streak lives or dies in Carmel, Indiana.

Wounds licked. Out of my quiet corner. It’s time to marathon again.

I can. I will. I believe.

Absolutely anything is possible.

: not my time to finish 50

: 2019 Super Moon

: new goslings in weeks

: hospitals/specialists/doctors/pills, ALL on-hold for a year

: streak lives or dies in Indiana

May you be filled with loving Kindness. May you be well. May you be Peaceful and at ease. May you by Happy.

Posted in Marathoning | Leave a comment

Pistol 50 #DNF

Published March 16, 2019

I didn’t choose Pistol ’cause it was the most scenic run. Five 10-mile laps on a TN airport greenway. Chose Pistol (6 months ago) ‘cause I heard it was one of the easiest first 50s. Flat. Well-lit path. Paved. Everything Bighorn was not – and NO altitude. LOL>

Only downside? Pistol’s an OVERNITE run. 50-mile race starts @ 8pm. BIG challenge. I’m one of those, an early riser. I run pre-dawn. Work, walk the pup, bed by 9pm. Biggest physical challenge this race: STOMACH. How to fuel – & run – all night, overnight.

Saturday direct flight to Knoxville, touchdown 4pm.

Mentally, arrived a bit checked out. Unfortunately life events can happen whether we schedule 50-mile runs or not. It is what it is. 6 months of planning & sometimes it’s all a crap shoot, nature of the sport. How we manage the unexpected. How we overcome. Weather, life events. That’s where FAITH plugs the gap. It’s not a magic pill, but generally, if I can get quiet/get alone, I can stay centered. Remember who I am.

Step step step, one after another. One mile becomes 5. Five soon double digits. Double-digits, a 2-hour Half. Mile 17 to Mile 20: dig deep, PUSH. Twenty miles to the Finish. That’s the formula. The one in my mind – when I’m entirely IN MY HEAD…when it doesn’t come easy, on a day like today.

Push, propel, get quiet, succeed. 140 finishes, not my first mental low.

Clear nite skies. 45 degrees, dipping another 15-20 by daybreak. Primo conditions.

Course? Easy forgiving path. Well-organized event. Good on-site support, station 4 miles.

On paper, it all makes sense. It was my time.

Saturday night REALITY? Couldn’t shut my head off. I couldn’t get quiet. Talk, talk, talk. Couldn’t stop the noise. In my head, outside my head. On a vacant greenway in nowhere (Alcoa) Tennessee, heart raced. Overwhelmed, unbalanced. Stomach turn’d by 10. My clock ended near midnite.

Tick, tick, done. No Cinderella, no fairy tale. Mentally spent, broken.

Front seat of a $25 rental. Voices still talking, quiet never found. 5-minute meltdown.

Wiped my face/walked to the race table. In my out-loud voice, told ’em: “it’s not my night, I’m finished.” Turned in my bib, grown-up time. Lotta stuff goes thru your head while unfastening four tiny safety pins. But…world still spins. 50 still a number. Just not tonite’s number. Some day.

Colorado home in hours. Closing my eyes, powering down. Can over-analyze everything next week. Super disappointing. Not last summer, not today, 50 some day 🍀🌈 🌞

: packed & ready

: touchdown Knoxville

: Welcome Runners!

: fifty FAIL

Pistol ULTRA

The Pistol Ultra

Alcoa, TN US 37701

Keenan Haga 50 Mile Louisville, CO BIB #439 DNF OVERALL 56 of 83

MILE 4.6 45:10.7 9:49 Place: 10

MILE 9.6 1:34:37.1 9:51 Place: 17

MILE 14.6 2:34:00.9 10:33 Place: 16

MILE 19.2 3:35:44.1 11:14 Place: 27

MILE 20 4:02:00.4 12:06

Posted in Marathons/Ultras, South | Leave a comment

Waterton Canyon

Published February 23, 2019

Past 2 weekends away, really good to be Colorado home — mighty FAAANNNTASTIC. And this weekend, a rare non-snow reprieve. I dig the white stuff but outdoor run miles been super limited in 2019, lotta treadmill ticks. Every Wednesday/every Saturday, precip pattern this season. Mountain snowpack over 100% now, reservoirs expected high once Spring melt begins. Happy water news for high altitude/arid Colorado (300 days of annual sunshine, notta lotta summer rain).

Saturday run, new run. Hour-15 south to Littleton, day destination: Waterton Canyon. Parking lot still ice-packed with remnants of winter past. Crampons, no crampons? Micro spikes? Hmm. Just trail shoes & a hydration pack today. Tenth mile in, dirt road CLEAR, plowed & DRY. SUCCESS!

Early start, notta lotta faces on the trek out. Peaceful, quiet. Foot pulsed easy on packed clay. Outdoor eye-candy, crazy beautiful. Big scenic walls, reminiscent of local Boulder Canyon.

GREAT day for a Colorado run! SUNSHINE, snow & mile-high attitude 🙂 Outta road 6 ½ miles in, just past the Dam. 9 minute clip, gradual grade UP, gonna make the return FAST.

BIGHORN SHEEP run reverse. On the road, surrounding rock walls, high plains grazing – all food foraging for Spring green. Mostly female, single ram spotted high. Unexpected. WOW!

Thin air, outdoor-adventure every day — even in February.

Ski. Hike. Ice fish. Climb. Or take in a canyon run. LOVE LOVE my Colorado life ❤️